


Not Human

by QhaZomb



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Horror, Eldritch Benrey, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Monster Benrey, internalized xenophobia over being non-human
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:20:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28163832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QhaZomb/pseuds/QhaZomb
Summary: horrified at the sight of my reflection in your eyes- i don't belong thereBenrey isn't human, and can never become one, and he worries that this will keep him from ever truly becoming good in his human friends' eyes.(kind of? a vent fic)
Relationships: (beginnings of Frenrey if you squint), Benrey & Gordon Freeman
Comments: 15
Kudos: 139





	Not Human

Benrey isn’t human.  
  
  
This is a known fact.  
  
  
He’s a cosmic horror of light and emotion, that’s just masquerading as one.  
  
  
It never really bothered him. And why should it? He’s always liked being what he is. Why would he want to be anything other than himself, anyway?  
  
  
…Well, he’s found a reason.  
  
  
Y’see, humans put a lot of emphasis on how being a person, with the capacity for goodness, is a _uniquely human_ trait. ‘Human’ is synonymous with ‘good,’ and vice-versa. On the flip side, ‘monster’ is synonymous with ‘evil.’ Wanna make a character in a story look like a bad guy? Give them inhuman traits and features. If a monster wants to be a good guy like the humans, it has to become human itself, or at least learn to act like one. If they stay a monster, then they stay a bad guy. Only humans can be truly good.  
  
  
Which is SOME _BULLSHIT_ , if you ask Benrey. He may be a ‘monster,’ he may have done some bad stuff in the past, but he’s not _evil_. In fact, he’s known plenty of humans who were _way_ worse than he’s ever been.  
  
  
…But Gordon probably still thinks of monsters as just evil. Especially since every time he saw Benrey’s more inhuman features... it was when Benrey was playing the bad guy.  
  
  
He kinda really shot himself in the foot with that shit, huh.  
  
  
And it’s because of all this, that Benrey has been making a huge effort to hide all of his non-human powers and qualities, ever since being given a second chance and getting to live with Gordon. No shape-shifting, no size changing, no skeletons, no Sweet Voice. He’s even making sure to keep his teeth and nails dull and blunt, rather than sharp and predatory like he usually likes them.  
  
  
He doesn’t want to mess this up again. He doesn’t want Gordon to be afraid of him anymore. He doesn’t want Gordon to hate him anymore.  
  
  
He didn’t think it would be that hard at first. Just make sure he doesn’t like, absent mindedly do something ‘monster-y.’ Pay attention, keep that shit locked up tight. Easy mode stuff.  
  
  
But that didn’t end up being the problem.  
  
  
The real problem, is that it _hurts_. Staying all squished down into just one shape all the time. Keeping his emotions all bottled up instead of singing them out. Denying his very nature. It all hurts so much, in multiple ways.  
  
  
But not as much as Gordon being afraid of and hating him again would. So he keeps it up. Keeps staying human. Not dangerous, not scary, not bad. Human and good.  
  
  
Human and good...  
  
  
  
  
  
They’re having a late dinner tonight. Pizza guy had trouble finding Gordon’s house for whatever reason. Gordon still gave the poor kid a tip, though, because he’s nice like that. Gordon Niceman. They’re now sitting at the kitchen table and enjoying the slightly cold pie. Or at least Gordon is. Benrey, meanwhile, is not doing so hot.  
  
  
The hurt has been getting worse lately. Like an itch he can’t scratch, or a muscle that desperately wants- _needs_ to flex and move, but can’t. He’s trying very hard to hide the grimace on his face as he slowly chews his food with blunted teeth. Gordon still notices the look, though.  
  
  
That, and how Benrey’s nails are digging into the wood of the table.  
  
  
“Benrey? You okay, dude?” he asks, and Benrey’s got so many conflicted emotions over the concern in the human’s voice.  
  
  
He swallows hard before answering. “yuh- yeah man, i'm good. uh, epic. very chill,” Benrey lies.  
  
  
Gordon very obviously does not believe the lie. “Really? ‘Cause you’re not looking or sounding very chill right now. Seriously, is something wrong?” he asks again, and Benrey’s feelings are practically begging to burst from his throat.  
  
  
“nnnnnothin's wrong, bro,” Benrey lies again through gritted fangs ( _aw fuck when did his teeth sharpen?_ ), and Gordon’s brow furrows slightly when he notices the new points in his maw. Benrey feels like a spring that’s been FAR too tightly wound, to the point of breaking, which he really does _not_ need to do in front of Gordon.  
  
  
Said human opens his mouth as he’s about to say something else, but Benrey beats him to the punch. “I’M. ggggggonna go t'my room,” he says as he abruptly stands up. He then quickly shuffles away, his movements strained and rigid as he heads for his bedroom. As soon as he gets in and slams the door behind him, he collapses onto the floor.  
  
  
The pained noises that come out of his mouth- scratch that, _mouths_ are not at all human as he twists and writhes. Newly formed limbs desperately claw at the carpet for purchase, and at his own body for freedom. Each hole he tears into his flesh gives way to another new body part- wild eyes, clawed limbs, fang-filled maws- over and over and over again. His body grows to make more room for the new features as they sprout, and it's not long at all until his form is unrecognizable as having ever looked human. He’s still shrieking all the while, and the sound is accompanied by glowing orbs of bright blood red. God, why does it _hurt_ so much? He’s never hurt like this before. It’s worse than dying, even.  
  
  
Distracted by his agony as he is, Benrey doesn’t notice when Gordon comes knocking on his door and then pokes his head in. He does, however, instantly register the human’s horrified cry.  
  
  
All of Benrey’s many eyes snap to Gordon, and the look of absolute terror on the man’s face feels like a knife being jabbed right into his heart. Oh no. Oh _god_ , he fucked up. He fucked up and Gordon is scared of him again and everything he’s worked so hard for is flying out the window and  
  
  
so is he. Before he even knows it, Benrey has thrown himself at his bedroom window, crashing through the glass, and is now scrambling away into the nearby woods. He doesn’t know where he’s going, other than as far away from Gordon as his mess of limbs can carry him.  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
_“Benrey’s gone.”_  
  
  
_“W-what? What did- what do you mean he’s gone? What happened?”_  
  
  
_“I dunno man, just... We were eating dinner, and he was acting weird, and then ran into his room all of a sudden. He started making these horrible screeching noises, and when I went to check on him, his room was all full of Sweet Voice and he’d turned himself into some kind of… huge fucked up mass of eyes and teeth and claws. Soon as he saw me, he launched himself out the window and ran off. That was like… thirty minutes ago. I would’ve called you sooner, but I was busy trying to keep myself from having a panic attack.”_  
  
  
_“Oh, are you- are you okay?”_  
  
  
_“Yeah, I’m good, don’t worry. But what about Benrey? What the fuck was that, and what do we do now?”_  
  
  
_“Hmm… Oh uh, you said there was Sweet Voice everywhere? What- what all colours was it? Do you remember what pitch it was sung in?”_  
  
  
_“It was all just one colour- red, a vibrant red. And uh, I’m not sure I’d call any of the sounds Benrey was making ‘singing,’ but I guess it was high pitched?”_  
  
  
_“Oh. That’s… that’s red as rain. It means pain.”_  
  
  
_“Ah… yeah, he did seem kind of in pain when he started acting weird in the kitchen…”_  
  
  
_“Can you uh, can you remember any other Sweet Voice he’s sung lately? Maybe I could fig- figure out what’s wrong…”_  
  
  
_“He hasn’t been singing, actually. This is the first time he’s used the Sweet Voice since the ResCas.”_  
  
  
_“What??”_  
  
  
_“It’s the first time he’s shape-shifted since then, too. I honestly thought he didn’t have any powers anymore…”_  
  
  
_“Oh that’s- that’s not good. That’s really not good for him.”_  
  
  
_“How come?”_  
  
  
_“The Sweet Voice is how he- how he expresses his emotions. If he hasn’t been singing, he’s been keeping them all bottled up inside. And- and for the shape-shifting, uh. Imagine if you tried to hold a single pose for a- for a really long time. Your muscles start to cramp up and hurt from staying like that. Same thing for Benrey if he doesn’t, uh, flex his form often enough.”_  
  
  
_“Oh. Uh. Well, I guess we know why he was in pain now. But, I don’t get it. Why’s he been doing this to himself? He didn’t have any problems using his powers back in Black Mesa, that’s for sure.”_  
  
  
_“…I think I might know why.”_  
  
  
_“Yeah?”_  
  
  
_“Benrey really, really likes you, Mr. Freeman. Like a- like a love-struck lovebird. I think… he hasn’t been using his powers since moving in with you, because you never liked it when he used them in Black Mesa. He’s trying to be… ‘better' for you, even if it hurts him.”_  
  
  
_“…But tonight the hurt got too much, and he couldn’t hold it in anymore. And when he saw me catching him like that… all he could think to do was just. Leave.”_  
  
  
_“S-sounds about right, yeah.”_  
  
  
_“...All that, for_ me _...? ........Fuck.”_  
  
  
_“Mr. Freeman?”_  
  
  
_“I have to go find him.”_  
  
  
_“I’ll come with you!”_  
  
  
_“Thank you, Tommy, but... I think I need to find him myself and talk to him alone.”_  
  
  
_“...Okay, I understand. But you should- you should take Sunkist with you, at the very least. He knows Benrey’s scent and energy signature, and can track him down.”_  
  
  
_“A good idea, yeah.”_  
  
  
_“I’ll send Sunkist over to you right away. Good luck, Gordon. Find him and bring him home safe, okay?”_  
  
  
_“I will.”_  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Deep in the woods, a monster shudders. If he had actual functioning tear ducts, Benrey just knows he’d be bawling his eyes out right now. Things were going SO good! He could tell Gordon was actually starting to like him again!  
  
  
But he should’ve known he couldn’t deny his true nature forever. He’s not human, he’s a monster. A thing that doesn’t get a happy ending. A thing that a human hero like Gordon can’t love.  
  
  
He’s really wishing Tommy’s dad had just left him in stasis. Would’ve been better for everybody that way. Gordon wouldn’t have to deal with knowing there’s a killer monster on the loose, and Benrey wouldn’t have to deal with... anything. Because he’d still be in a ‘dead’ state, and a corpse can’t feel guilt or grief or loneliness.  
  
  
Deep melodic howling echoes through the trees as the air around Benrey fills with shadowy purple and dark sanguine lights. He’s curled in on himself, wrapping his many limbs around him in a self-hug as he sings. It should be cathartic, finally getting to use his Sweet Voice and let his shape loosen up... and while he does feel physical relief, it’s just too bittersweet. All the hurt he was feeling before is gone, but now it’s just replaced by a different, even worse hurt.  
  
  
Maybe he should just go find Tommy’s dad, get him to toss his sorry ass back in the void, so he doesn’t have to feel things anymore. _Hah_ , maybe he could get the guy’s attention by busting into town and terrorizing it and shit. He’s garbo at being a ‘good human,’ so maybe he could own being an ‘evil monster.’ Go all or nothing, yeah? He did it pretty good back on Xen, after all…  
  
  
Eventually, Benrey’s singing ends, though the Sweet Voice orbs linger just a bit longer. He frowns at the lights with the mouth where his ‘human’ face used to be, watching as they slowly dissipate. _time to bounce i guess_ , he thinks to himself as he hauls his massive form up off the ground. Before he can do much else, though, a sound catches his attention. Somewhere in the distance, he can hear a very familiar barking. His eyes search around the trees for the source, and when they land on it- yep, that’s Sunkist alright. The large dog bounds up happily to Benrey, barking blue and purple as he runs around him. With all of his attention on the canine, Benrey fails to notice that Sunkist came with a friend.  
  
  
“Benrey.”  
  
  
The entity freezes at the sound of Gordon’s voice right behind him. Some of his eyes glance at Gordon for a moment, and then he lurches, about to break off into a run, but-  
  
  
“Wait!” Gordon shouts, reaching a hand out towards the monster. Sunkist whines at him, too.  
  
  
Benrey turns what’s left of his ‘human’ face to the man, but avoids any eye contact, expecting... he’s not sure. For Gordon to yell at him, maybe. Or kill him. Last time he looked this inhuman, that’s what happened.  
  
  
And so when he finally does chance a look at Gordon, he’s completely caught off guard by how _gentle_ the human’s expression is.  
  
  
“Benrey,” Gordon says again, oh so softly, “Tommy helped me figure out what’s been going on with you. What you’ve been doing to yourself this whole time you’ve been living with me. And I want you to know that you don’t have to do that. It’s okay.”  
  
  
“whuh?” is all Benrey can manage to spit out in his shock and confusion.  
  
  
“You don’t have to try to be human for me, especially not if it hurts you this badly,” Gordon tries to assure him.  
  
  
Benrey shakes his head. “but- but how am i s’posed to be good if i'm not human?”  
  
  
“You don’t have to be human to be good.”  
  
  
“but-“  
  
  
“Dude,” Gordon stops him, “you know Bubby’s not human either, right? Coomer's just a few implants away from being a full-on robot, and Tommy’s dad is an eldritch alien just like you.”  
  
  
“bro, tommy's dad is a _douche canoe_ ,” Benrey says.  
  
  
The statement gets a laugh out of Gordon. “Not gonna argue with that,” he says with an amused grin. “But, he did raise Tommy, so he can’t be all _that_ bad.” Gordon then reaches a hand out to gently cup the side of Benrey’s remains of a face as he continues, “And it’s clear that you aren’t, either. Just because you’re not human, it doesn’t mean you’re not good. I mean, hell, you’ve pretty much been torturing yourself for over a month just to try and make _me_ feel better. A bad person wouldn’t have done something like that. But, like I said before, you don’t have to do that anymore. It’s okay- _you’re_ okay.”   
  
  
Benrey can’t help but lean into the gentle touch he’s receiving as Gordon speaks. He also places one of his own twisted hands on top of Gordon’s, and the human doesn’t pull his hand away. Instead, he just gives Benrey the softest smile. He’s _never_ smiled at Benrey like that before, at least not since they were kids (which Gordon can’t even remember). Closing most of his other eyes, he lets out a deep sigh, as well as several orbs of leaf green and hot pink Sweet Voice.  
  
  
“You've done some pretty shitty stuff in the past, yeah, but it’s obvious to me now how serious you are about wanting to make up for it all,” Gordon says. “And you can do that without having to try and be something you’re not.”  
  
  
“all this,” Benrey gestures to himself with another arm, “doesn’t, uh, freak you out?”  
  
  
“It... does a little bit,” Gordon sheepishly admits. “But I can get used to it. Especially now that I know that you really don’t want to hurt me anymore.”  
  
  
“never wanted to hurt you in the first place...” Benrey says, closing his eyes and nuzzling into the hand still on his approximation of a cheek. “i was just... dumb. dumb, and gettin’ mad about dumb shit i really shouldn’t have been getting mad about.” He opens his ‘face’ eyes again and looks Gordon in his. “but i’m way past done being mad now, and i wanna be smarter too. don’t wanna fight you anymore. just wanna be good for you. i care about you so, so much gordon.”  
  
  
“Yeah I... I know that now. And I’m sorry I didn’t notice it sooner,” says Gordon.  
  
  
“nah, i was just stupid about showing it,” Benrey responds.  
  
  
“Actually, I’m pretty sure we’ve both been pretty stupid about all this feelings shit,” Gordon says, but he’s smiling, and Benrey is, too.  
  
  
It’s then that Sunkist makes his presence known again, walking up and nosing at the pair. “Oh, shit,” Gordon says, “I gotta tell Tommy you’re okay. Also, uh, I know I just told you that you don’t have to force yourself into being totally human anymore, but you should... probably at least somewhat look the part when we’re out in public. I don’t wanna have to get the Science Team to bust you out of Area 51 or some shit.”  
  
  
“ _bro_ ,” Benrey fake-gasps, “you’d raid area 51 for me??” he says with an exaggeratedly touched expression on his twisted face, complete with wide, sparkling eyes. Gordon just laughs and playfully shoves the monster's face away, which in turn makes Benrey laugh right back.  
  
  
  
  
  
Benrey isn’t human.  
  
  
This is a known fact.  
  
  
He’s a cosmic horror of light and emotion, that’s just masquerading as one.  
  
  
And it doesn’t bother him. He’s a monster, but he likes being one. And his friends all like him just the way he is, too.  
  
  
Monstrous and good.  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> so uh. this was pretty much written in response to a whole bunch of bad feelings the “benrey gets redemption but at the cost of his powers/benrey only gets redemption after becoming human and/or losing his powers” trope gives me. earlier this week i had a major depressive episode that got set off by reading one too many fics where that trope happened, but the writers didn't warn that it was in there.
> 
> that trope upsets me so much 'cause it reminds me just a little too much of the “in order to be accepted, you have to give up what makes you different” thing.
> 
> and as someone who was eccentric and very vocal about my "weird" special interests as a child, but then got bullied into silence so hard all throughout school that my teachers _legit thought i was totally mute_ by the time i got to highschool…
> 
> yeah it. uh. hits a little too close to home for me. i know that’s not the intention of the people who write the human/nerf'd benrey trope, but i can’t help what it reminds me of or makes me feel. i’m sorry.
> 
> but anyway yeah. i wrote this to put at least one more "benrey is a monster and that's okay" fic into the tag. because i really need more of that in my life.


End file.
